


And As I Watched

by dokidokii



Category: And Then There Were None (TV 2015)
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-23
Updated: 2020-02-23
Packaged: 2021-02-18 22:03:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,169
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22867240
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dokidokii/pseuds/dokidokii
Relationships: Nonette Enneagram/Inoue Naomi





	And As I Watched

And As I Watched

(Joking) Sometimes I’m even scared to drink water, because you can be addicted to anything these days 

Once I risk it, I could lose it all (pause)

I learned that from you (serious tone)

I grew up walking behind in your shadow

I got older as your condition got worse, so I started running to catch up with you

And as I got closer, you just ran faster, so I chased you

And as I watched you drive, your face was set in stone (stoned faced)

When the beat dropped so loud the fields started to echo back, you hit the gas even harder

I hoped to death that you couldn’t hear me over the bass drop

But I listened to your every tear, holding back my own anger because you loved her

And she said she would never leave us, you told her we were a packaged deal (pause) right?

You told me that, so I clung to you

Because you were all I had and all I will have

When you swerved and laughed, I chuckled along because at least you weren’t driving off a cliff (hysterical chuckle)

All because I was with you, (pause) even though I knew you wanted to (pause)(deep intake of breath)

And a little part of me wanted you to die too, because then your suffering might just be over

I didn’t get it though, that progress takes time

I watched you drive away, you left the pictures trembling on my wall, you left my grandparents fighting

But I left 911 on my speed dial for when I heard the crash, for when the bass dropped

Each time you came back though, you never made it to the door

After that, it was my job to drag you back in

Sometimes I forgot that your skin wasn’t the only thing that was bleeding

And as I watched you stumble and stagger around, speaking to the ghost of your father, I was shaking your shoulders

But no matter how hard I shook that wild look in your eyes never was tamed

The strength of my tears didn’t register with you, they never did

Then you fell onto the bed

Your head bobbed and your finger pointed to the picture of Jesus

You said even he couldn’t save you

Then I croaked: “What are you running from?”

And you whispered to me: “The past.”

(BIG SIGH) I sighed, staring at the beads around the golden frame, against that pale wall

Deep down, I knew that I was too

You went unconscious as I stifled back my tears 

When the flashing lights took you away, I was left alone in that house no longer a home

But a prison, for us both 

Because it held every! memory!

From you, I learned that you have to face those memories

No matter how much it hurts me (start to speed up)

No matter how much it destroyed you

(QUICK) And as I watched you cry, I smiled just in case this was the last time you saw me

I gently wrapped the gauze around your arm, but you easily bled through

And before I could stop it, you were bleeding on my hands

As I glared at the bottles in the yard, at the weird scent on your breath as I leaned down to hug you

But that hug was never returned,(PAUSE) and the bandages were ripped off

My hands weren’t enough to stop you from walking out (He’s walking out, again)

“Never turn out like me.” (AT THE JUDGE)

That sentence rang in my ears as my chest fluttered with unspoken words

(LOUDER) A warning, a plea, a scream

(Soft) Something I haven’t done in years

But instead

“For what reason?” I asked.

You folded my hands over my mouth

(whisper) And you made me promise never to tell

And as I watched you leave for something to take away the pain

(Hands to heart) You always came back because you never found something strong enough (drop hands)

You weren’t there for me, 

so I got mad

(Blaming tone) Why couldn’t my family be like her’s?

I started to listen behind that door

So I would know what to say, when and if I became “like you”

I told myself:

(Angry yell)“If you never took care of me then, why would I need you now?”

(Angry yell)“What could I learn from a deadbeat drunk who couldn’t even show up to his daughter’s recital?”

(Resigned, soft)I got used to seeing your back, hearing you grunt at me

I got used to hearing you drop down the stairs, back to your hole

I knew it was a long way down to the bottom

And for once I didn’t chase after you

(Nonchalant) I started to not care

“Whatever, it’s just another stomach pumping.” My grandmother said.

“Just another wound.” My grandfather told me over the phone.

“Just a gunshot, he will make a full recovery.” The doctor praised your ability to snapback.

(Soft and slow) But my mind flashed to all the blood on the floor

The smell mixing with cinnamon

Your moans and groans

“Help (beat) me.” (beat)

That was the first and last time I heard you say that

When I saw you sedated

(Quicker) Your skin surreal

The tubes 

Your peaceful expression

The rise and fall of your chest

(Pause) I wished you would never wake up

Because you wouldn’t push me away this time when I held your hand

This time I could cry

I thought this would be it (pause)

We might just be normal after this (pause)

But we never were (beat)

I wish I knew, what had happened to you

What could explain the change

I watched you dress up, shoulders squared as you stared ahead of you

I watched you get your first job in a while, and I wished this wouldn’t end

Because maybe I would get a father who I knew loved me

Maybe I would get a stable family

But you fell and I was there for you again

And again

Until you found your own wings

I never saw another drink, never smelt the cinnamon again

I watched you grasp onto another opportunity until your knuckles were white

When I chased after you, I saw your smile

But I just wish you had smiled at me

I just wish I could make that sudden stop, just like you

I just wish I knew what drove you, because maybe I might find my drive

I wish I knew who you changed for, because I’m pretty sure it wasn’t me

You left me behind for a reason, and if it’s because I was holding you back

(Plea) Please just tell me

Because no matter what I will love you

(Louder) I will be here for you!

And I’ll hold your hand until you throw me away again

That is what unconditional love is (gesture to audience, “call for action”)


End file.
